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Home › Articles › Real Relationships › Sexuality After Baby

Sexuality After Baby

Gentle Ways to Reignite Your
Sex Life

By Laura Paul

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When Eric K., a father of three from Texas, looks at his wife, he sees the sexiest woman alive. However, Debbie did not feel attractive after the births of their three children. "She would take a look at herself in the mirror and look at me almost apologetically," says Eric. "I'm glad she had our children. When she got down on her figure, I told her I loved her. I told her she was beautiful. I think she is more attractive now than before she had children."

Counting the Minutes
Experts say men need to gradually romance women back into the bedroom after they have had children. While the physician might give the green light to have sexual intercourse six to eight weeks after the delivery, a woman might need more time.

Debbie says she felt the "baby blues" after the birth of her children. She would burst into tears for no apparent reason. "He had to be very patient with me after each birth," Debbie says. "It takes a while for me to feel normal. They say the romantic cutoff is six weeks. For me it takes longer."

Eric brought her breakfast in bed, gave her flowers, played soothing music and took care of the household as Debbie recovered from the births. He gave her compliments even when she was not fishing for them. "When I'm wearing a T-shirt, ponytail and no makeup, cleaning, he will stop me and tell me I'm attractive," Debbie says.

Oh, Those Hormones
Bruce Linton, the founder of the Father's Forum and a licensed marriage and family counselor in Berkeley, Calif., says a woman's libido is greatly reduced by the hormones she is excreting in her body. Linton says the hormones are there for a reason – so she does not get pregnant again while she is nursing the baby.

"Understanding that also helps men realize that perhaps the reduction in libido is a natural phenomena," Linton says. "It is not their wives rejecting them or their wives being disinterested in them. It's something that actually happens physically to women."

Sexuality and the change in the couple's relationship has been a primary theme in the groups Linton facilitates for new fathers. Men can ask questions and swap stories with other new fathers in a small group setting. "There is always the joke that comes up," Linton says. "Somebody says, 'Well, I'd really like to talk about sex,' and there will always be some guy in the group who says, 'What? I heard that word a long time ago. What's that word again?' There is kind of a joking about that."

Debbie says she is glad her low sex drive did not push away her husband. "I'd be very hormonal, emotional and get stressed and would not be receptive," she says, recalling the first few months following the birth of her son. "That could easily have been misinterpreted as me not being attracted to him."

Solo Sex
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